May 08, 2025

The past days were busy with data gathering that I hardly have no time left for other things like writing here. 

I was able to get up early today. After trying to sleep again and failed, I decided to get up early and put into words my thoughts. I am writing some things on my notes (on specific things that happened) but gathering up my thoughts here to express them in a more general sense.

From the past months of being sober, my head is getting better and clearer. I can even now process my emotions and come to a point of being able to analyze them and validate them. 

Not that I can do them myself alone, it must have some circumstances for which in life are inevitable that pushes me to understand them and give me reasons to grow from it. There must be someone or something that makes you feel vulnerable with so you can navigate them. 

When I was working for a security group, we have this framework for why a fire happens. Hindi ito magandang example but a fire happens because of these three factors:

The fire triangle, a model explaining what's needed for a fire, consists of three key elements: heat, fuel, and oxygen. If any of these elements are removed, the fire will extinguish. 

For something to happen and grasp, there must be elements. In order for me to grow, there must be a circumstance, emotions that goes with it, and something or someone. This goes also how to extinguish things like negative emotions (which is on a different view on this.

A big factor in my processing of things is the fact that I am a spiritual person in need of His grace to help me understand them. 

The verse last night which I remember to ponder was Ephesians 4:2-4 which says 

2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called;

In all the things that I need to understand and process, I need to be completely (not partially) be humble and gentle, to be patient and bearing another in love, as I also bear myself with love and grace. Dapat sa akin palang, maging mas gentle na ako, patient with myself, and to love the life He has given me. From there, I will be able to do so with others. 

I am far from perfect, I still perceive things differently from others--and maybe, I still need to work on not just looking at my points but to others as well. Since I am taking up Masters in Communication, it maybe good to use the theories, and learn to use the theories I haven't explored, for me to understand things. A theory I was checking on last night was Communication Perception Theory:

Communication Perception Theory explains how our individual ways of perceiving the world, influenced by factors like background, beliefs, and experiences, shape how we communicate and interpret messages. This theory highlights that the same information can be understood differently by various people due to their unique perceptual frameworks. 

Another is Constructivist Theory pero mas fitting yung CPT.

I thank God for the people He brings me to navigate these things with me, and to use the things I have learned so I can apply them to others within, and beyond, my circle as well. 

April 29, 2025

Trying to write despite the busy schedule on data gathering. It's been taking much of my time but i thank God it is finally happening. Despite the busy schedule, I am grateful for the opportunity to pray for the spiritual and personal prayer items. I have never been this utmost in my prayers. 

Remembering this time of awakening, and also the time of uprooting past issues that are being brought to light so we can pray for them. 

Also, I have a new nephew. New family addition and we thank God for Baby Tyler. 

April 19, 2025

I wouldn't have known the need to do spiritual warfares and deep prayers hadn't I experience I have to win somethings with the Lord. 

I remembered through enties and devotions these words, "instead of pleading for deliverance, we might more wisely to ask about the purpose of our suffering. 

This has been on my notes since I read this. I would always say that we would really need deliverance from the things that hinders us from running the race towards God. While that still holds true for me, I realized that while we ask Him to deliver us from our trespasses, we need to also ponder the thought of the purpose of our suffering. Does this push us to be more holy? Is what I am going through allows me to seek His grace and mercy? 

The Lord did not promise us that we will be spared from suffering (John  16:33). But  when we suffer and I meant suffer from the pain of hurting the Lord, He says "instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance'' (2 Peter 3:9).

While we go through any kind of suffering, it should not numb us, but to come to Him all the more and ask for His grace. Remembering, too, that while He is gracious, He is also just. With that justice, we would fear to do the things that would hurt His heart. 

In this season, I am praying more prayers. Reading His Word like my literal daily bread. The purpose of this suffering? I need to come all the more to His feet and bow down before my King and friend. 

God is not content to let people sit in their own self-destruction. 

He is on a mission to rescue. - Bible Project

April 16, 2025

Capping off my day with a quick blog. What shame does is isolation, what grace gives is freedom. I thank God for another manifestation of His grace in my life. For when my strength ends, His grace begins. 

I am still a work in progress on some areas of my life. All I know that during these times of pain, His blood can cover me and wash me from my iniquities. 

I almost failed Him but in the end, the peace that passes understanding has covered my heart and allowed me to look up. He is the lifted of my head. 

April 11, 2025

Celebrating 2 months of sobriety and one month of exercises. This time, doubling my desire to be yielded to Him all the more as I take this new season, new chapter, and new path I am leading onto. 

As what the Word today says, I can only do all these things through Him who strengthens me. In all these successes and breakthrough, I will remember His grace and mercy that helped me through. He has been my rock and fortress and all the help I receive, people who have been there for me, are from His bounty of favors and goodness. 

I was able to share what I had been through to a trusted friend. It was a relief to finally have shared something I felt shamed from. And like a flood of His grace, I was still loved. It dawned on me that He loves me and I felt that. As I have only now focused on serving Him in all the things I can do for Him. He made me feel seen and cared by His lovingkindness. It was an answered prayer. 

I know I am still frail and weak, but in this weakness He promised that His grace is sufficient for me for His power is made perfect in my weaknesses. 

I am under His grace. 

April 9, 2025

I don't know where and how to start this blog. All I know is that this day has been one of the most memorable moments in my life. I have come face to face with the thing I dread about, confession. From few days til few hours since, words and Word have been encouraging (if the term might be right) to share what I've been trying to keep yet wanting to share. 

I remember this song as I write:

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me!

I once was lost, but now am found;

Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace my fears relieved;

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed.

My chains are gone, I’ve been set free.

My God my Savior has ransomed me.

And like flood His mercy reigns,

Unending love, amazing grace.

As I end tonight, I thank God for His grace. 

April 05, 2025

Writing and crying. I just finished a chat conversation and I began to thank Him again and again for the love and grace He has for me. I am listening to Christian music and I can't help but feel the joy in my heart. I love Him so much, ultimately and with all my heart. I pray that I may live in His courts all the days of my life. 

His love dispels all my fears. Despite the challenges I am facing and the victories I have been receiving, I continue to devote myself to Him and the more I seek Him, the more I find Him. I long for His Word everyday, for His presence. 

I live for this moment. 

April 04, 2025

Writing tonight because this day has been memorable. Today, I was haunted by some of the past memories that seem to have the same stuation, only this time, I was able to navigate my emotions. I know the difference because it was me who felt these clouds that hovers my brain when something strikes me. I remember, I used to keep silent for hours, days, and weeks not entertaining the hurt. I become someone I am not. Words ring in my ears and those were the only ones I hear despite all other things going on. I feel so toxic (as someone has put on me), and accepted that. 

Today hits different. My emotions were confronted, my mindset was challenged. For the longest time, someone stood there (sit there) to listen and journeyed with me on my emotions despite that it was also hard on the other person. I even said words that hurt, not understanding it would. 

It was counseling, but the counselor was the one whom I shared pains with. I don't have any idea how the conversation would start, or even how the night would end. I just went as usual (with my clouded mind) trying to act normal in my most weird way. I know. I am not proud of this because these frustrations inside me wanting to be cool person has melted like ice. Hirap na hirap akong bumangon at tanggalin yung clouds. I just prayed. Lord, I don't know what to do but my eyes are on You. Hindi ko po ata kaya ito this time. I was pleading, asking, and despaired over the things I can't do. 

I can't even think clearly or put emotions on what I feel. But I thank the Lord for this time, I know deep inside me, He's been the Help. It wasn't my own understanding and strength anymore. For the first time, I felt understood, heard, cared about during the worst time/s of my life. He was placed first before anything. My eyes were opened, my heart softed, my mind went back to present moment. My thoughts was challenged on how little faith I have in how He could do it for me. Where have I even stood, but the shore along His ocean. 

March 30, 2025

Been meaning to write but the schedule was so tight with the church anniversary that despite the wanting to write, I devoted to listening to podcast and randomly read at times to sleep.

I receive the Open Heaven that He has opened for us. I shall continue to seek Him and I pray that I may do all the prerequisites of Open Heaven-- to be more yielded to Him.

I thank the Lord for the negative results of my glaucoma test which I dreaded for a long time as my grandparents went blinded in their old age. All these things I remember, from the onset of one of our pastors praying for glaucoma tests (ministered in the pulpit without her knowing I was heading for it), to our Pastor praying for me (and close friends who knew about it), to having a good good friend accompany me to the test itself. I know He was working with it. 

To the Word and words of wisdom I receive before, during, and after were from Him helping me be healed and transformed. 

Also, I have been running for a month now. Since the time I had to give up some of the bad habits, I started to embrace a new life and a new season with friends who are helping me get along and get by in an unusual way. 

Everything's just mind blowing knowing that He's been working. 

I wish to write more soon. I still have to pray for my thesis which has been part of my heart's pain these days, hoping that it may be transformed to another testimony for His glory. 

I also have period which has been transformed to me being loving all the more. It is a matter, that can be transformed to another form. 

March 21, 2025

It's past 2 am and I just came to apartment few minutes ago from felloships with Godly friends. I know I have had my previous experiences of broken friendships but I know God has been working on my life to purify me and to be ready for all the best and good things from Him. 

I had my eye procedure yesterday, or the other day since it is already 2am. I thank God for He has given a companion to help me do the procedure. Bonus pa na may sasakyan at driver. I didn't toil for help, or begged that I may be helped.  Alam ko He has been good and still does wonders in my life despite wounds I have personally inflicted myself. 

I know I fear the results, but the earlier the detection to my diagnosis, the sooner I will get treatment. Si Lord na ang bahala to the eyes that I am using to take photos for HIs glory. While I am okay now, only with the thesis burden, days have become lighter despite the things I need to resolve. 

I remember the revelations to me on the soil and the stones and then it lead me to Eze 36:26 - "I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.". I was praying for a friend when I remember the verse about the heart and stones. For this were the words I received last year. I have thinking what those meant to me then for the longest time. 

A heart of flesh means a heart that feels for what the Lord wanted to tell us. May we all have this kind of heart that is yielded to Him and His Word in an open heaven skies. 

March 17, 2025

 It's past 1am and I am writing my thoughts after a long day. 

During the first service, the Lord has spoken to me through the Word from Pastora Precie. Not that I am complaining but I belive that the theme as about Christ sufficiency yet the words were about not being equally yoke with others, especially the ones who may lead you to bad stuff. Then there was a prayer about glocuma which I need to clear from the procedure by Wednesday.

I am so happy to be teaching new and young photographers in the church. I could do it all day provided I still have voice and energy to do so. I wanted them to be good at taking photos, even to do better than me. 

Then we celebrated Ate M's birthday together with Pastora, and finally visited Roel and his family on his tita's wake.

At the end of the day, I had to deal with small stuff that were like elephant in the room. I hardly had time to focus at random moments while I think of things out of the objective today. I hope that it be resolved soon, be it my changed attitude or acceptance. For now, I shall sleep with gratitude for the things God is teaching me, helping me be controlled despite the situation. 

Reposting one of my old blog post it says: Pain begs to be felt—or life will beg you to feel not one emotion at all. Emotion means movement — and emotions are meant to move you toward God.” ~ The Broken Way

I hope that all these emotions may move me towards Him all the more. I have also learned today that while King David had one of the worst sins, he was called a man after God's own heart not because of what He did great at other things but because he has a repentant heart.

Another learning todays is that the more I hear of the things I may or not be involved with, the more I need to pray about them. This on conflicting situations in the church.