March 04, 2025

Writing tonight because this day has been memorable. Today, I was haunted by some of the past memories that seem to have the same stuation, only this time, I was able to navigate my emotions. I know the difference because it was me who felt these clouds that hovers my brain when something strikes me. I remember, I used to keep silent for hours, days, and weeks not entertaining the hurt. I become someone I am not. Words ring in my ears and those were the only ones I hear despite all other things going on. I feel so toxic (as someone has put on me), and accepted that. 

Today hits different. my emotions were confronted, my mindset was challenged. For the longest time, someone stood there (sit there) to listen and journeyed with me on my emotions despite that it was also hard on the other person. I even said words that hurt, not understanding it would. 

It was counseling, but the counselor was the one whom I shared pains with. I don't have any idea how the conversation would start, or even how the night would end. I just went as usual (with my clouded mind) trying to act normal in my most weird way. I know. I am not proud of this because these frustrations inside me wanting to be cool person has melted like ice. Hirap na hirap akong bumangon at tanggalin yung clouds. I just prayed. Lord, I don't know hat to do but my eyes are on You. Hindi ko po ata kaya ito this time. I was pleading, asking, and despaired over the things I can't do. 

I can't even think clearly or put emotions on what I feel. But I thank the Lord for this time, I know deep inside me, He's been the Help. It asn't my own understanding and strength anymore. For the first time, I felt understood, heard, cared about during the worst time/s of my life. He as placed first before anything. My eyes were opened, my heart softed, my mind went back to present moment. My thoughts was challenged on how little faith I have in how He could do it for me. Where have I even stood, but the shore along His ocean. 

March 30, 2025

Been meaning to write but the schedule was so tight with the church anniversary that despite the wanting to write, I devoted to listening to podcast and randomly read at times to sleep.

I receive the Open Heaven that He has opened for us. I shall continue to seek Him and I pray that I may do all the prerequisites of Open Heaven-- to be more yielded to Him.

I thank the Lord for the negative results of my glaucoma test which I dreaded for a long time as my grandparents went blinded in their old age. All these things I remember, from the onset of one of our pastors praying for glaucoma tests (ministered in the pulpit without her knowing I was heading for it), to our Pastor praying for me (and close friends who knew about it), to having a good good friend accompany me to the test itself. I know He was working with it. 

To the Word and words of wisdom I receive before, during, and after were from Him helping me be healed and transformed. 

Also, I have been running for a month now. Since the time I had to give up some of the bad habits, I started to embrace a new life and a new season with friends who are helping me get along and get by in an unusual way. 

Everything's just mind blowing knowing that He's been working. 

I wish to write more soon. I still have to pray for my thesis which has been part of my heart's pain these days, hoping that it may be transformed to another testimony for His glory. 

I also have period which has been transformed to me being loving all the more. It is a matter, that can be transformed to another form. 

March 21, 2025

It's past 2 am and I just came to apartment few minutes ago from felloships with Godly friends. I know I have had my previous experiences of broken friendships but I know God has been working on my life to purify me and to be ready for all the best and good things from Him. 

I had my eye procedure yesterday, or the other day since it is already 2am. I thank God for He has given a companion to help me do the procedure. Bonus pa na may sasakyan at driver. I didn't toil for help, or begged that I may be helped.  Alam ko He has been good and still does wonders in my life despite wounds I have personally inflicted myself. 

I know I fear the results, but the earlier the detection to my diagnosis, the sooner I will get treatment. Si Lord na ang bahala to the eyes that I am using to take photos for HIs glory. While I am okay now, only with the thesis burden, days have become lighter despite the things I need to resolve. 

I remember the revelations to me on the soil and the stones and then it lead me to Eze 36:26 - "I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.". I was praying for a friend when I remember the verse about the heart and stones. For this were the words I received last year. I have thinking what those meant to me then for the longest time. 

A heart of flesh means a heart that feels for what the Lord wanted to tell us. May we all have this kind of heart that is yielded to Him and His Word in an open heaven skies. 

March 17, 2025

 It's past 1am and I am writing my thoughts after a long day. 

During the first service, the Lord has spoken to me through the Word from Pastora Precie. Not that I am complaining but I belive that the theme as about Christ sufficiency yet the words were about not being equally yoke with others, especially the ones who may lead you to bad stuff. Then there was a prayer about glocuma which I need to clear from the procedure by Wednesday.

I am so happy to be teaching new and young photographers in the church. I could do it all day provided I still have voice and energy to do so. I wanted them to be good at taking photos, even to do better than me. 

Then we celebrated Ate M's birthday together with Pastora, and finally visited Roel and his family on his tita's wake.

At the end of the day, I had to deal with small stuff that were like elephant in the room. I hardly had time to focus at random moments while I think of things out of the objective today. I hope that it be resolved soon, be it my changed attitude or acceptance. For now, I shall sleep with gratitude for the things God is teaching me, helping me be controlled despite the situation. 

Reposting one of my old blog post it says: Pain begs to be felt—or life will beg you to feel not one emotion at all. Emotion means movement — and emotions are meant to move you toward God.” ~ The Broken Way

I hope that all these emotions may move me towards Him all the more. I have also learned today that while King David had one of the worst sins, he was called a man after God's own heart not because of what He did great at other things but because he has a repentant heart.

Another learning todays is that the more I hear of the things I may or not be involved with, the more I need to pray about them. This on conflicting situations in the church.