Writing tonight because this day has been memorable. Today, I was haunted by some of the past memories that seem to have the same stuation, only this time, I was able to navigate my emotions. I know the difference because it was me who felt these clouds that hovers my brain when something strikes me. I remember, I used to keep silent for hours, days, and weeks not entertaining the hurt. I become someone I am not. Words ring in my ears and those were the only ones I hear despite all other things going on. I feel so toxic (as someone has put on me), and accepted that.
Today hits different. My emotions were confronted, my mindset was challenged. For the longest time, someone stood there (sit there) to listen and journeyed with me on my emotions despite that it was also hard on the other person. I even said words that hurt, not understanding it would.
It was counseling, but the counselor was the one whom I shared pains with. I don't have any idea how the conversation would start, or even how the night would end. I just went as usual (with my clouded mind) trying to act normal in my most weird way. I know. I am not proud of this because these frustrations inside me wanting to be cool person has melted like ice. Hirap na hirap akong bumangon at tanggalin yung clouds. I just prayed. Lord, I don't know what to do but my eyes are on You. Hindi ko po ata kaya ito this time. I was pleading, asking, and despaired over the things I can't do.
I can't even think clearly or put emotions on what I feel. But I thank the Lord for this time, I know deep inside me, He's been the Help. It wasn't my own understanding and strength anymore. For the first time, I felt understood, heard, cared about during the worst time/s of my life. He was placed first before anything. My eyes were opened, my heart softed, my mind went back to present moment. My thoughts was challenged on how little faith I have in how He could do it for me. Where have I even stood, but the shore along His ocean.
