Day 13 What do I want

What do you want me to do? Mark 10:51

From prayers of mending relationships, to living my dream, my prayers has now become asking for Him to be my frame, Him be my foundation, that I may always be attached to the Great Vine, that He would be my core so that whatever life brings, I will be steadfast, I will not be shaken. 

The message of God is moving and very much alive, moreover in times of pain. There are things we can only receive through exquisite pain that comes from God.

Day 12 Present Suffering

Our present suffering cannot compare to the glory and joy that's coming. 

Last Monday, I was given the honor to share about Stewardship of Time in our lifegroup and one of the main points I shared on how to use time was about 'thinking about eternal significance' in whatever circumstance we have.

Paul writes
Rom 8:18 NIV—I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that the glory that will be revealed in us. 

The passage talks about the future eternal glory that will come. Our resurrection with Christ; which we eagerly await. In our earthly life, our focus should always be eternal life with Christ. We may sometimes forget about it, so the bible tells us to 'remember'. For in whatever circumstance we are in, in full or hunger, in joy or famine, everything should always point to Christ. Thanking Him for everything as we continually surrender our lives to God. 

I like the song Before the Morning by Josh Wilson and so as the movie Shawshank Redemption.

During the times of troubles and heartaches, we see life in a limited distance. But life is not a snapshot as the song goes. The big picture of our life is eternity past and eternity future. Where the later we await to obtain. We can acquire that eternal life through Jesus Christ, who endured the world, endured suffering. 

In the movie Shawshank Redemption, the guy who was imprisoned awaited for his hope of a good life outside the jail. All the hours, days, weeks, years of planning (to escape; it's just a story) lead him to do things subtly, getting favors and all, doing good) gave him hope despite all those hardships. Afterall he got his freedom and it was shown he wasn't the suspect of the crime. He was just drunk then. The movie was very clever. 

Let us allow God to have complete liberty in our lives as we fully submit to Him, everything. Before God’s message can liberate other people, His liberation must first be real in us.

The Grace to the Humble

I used to walk alone going to and back from office. It takes about 40-50 minutes depending on my strength. One particular afternoon, an officemate walked with me. Just few steps away from office, she saw 5 dirhams on the road and quickly held it. There wasn't any other people in the area and so she took it. I thought, if I was alone, I could have gotten it. I shoo my thoughts away and smiled at it. Very inappropriate thoughts. Haha!

This morning, upon finishing a teaching about humility and grace, I started to pray on my way to office asking God for forgiveness for everything I've done wrong. As I bow down my head (yes, while walking, looking at the road floors) I saw 100 dirhams! I held it and checked the roads, there was a group of people walking towards the other area. I waited for some time (and looked for signs that someone is trying to find something. None. Walking towards office, I also try to check my back for any signs til I reached office. It was for me! :)

James (in 4) reminded us about Proverbs 3:34, that God gives grace to the humble. I am not saying that the 100 dirhams was because of the humility I showed bowing down. It was just an extra experience for me as I take the step on surrendering God everything this morning.

From the podcast I heard it says "I'm sure there's anger, I'm sure there's bitterness", but when we submit out lives to God; telling Him all that we are and the things we just can't be at that moment, telling Him how much we can only endure, and our tendencies to take matters into our hands, get angry, embittered; that we are not okay." He will be our Savior and deliver us. He is very gracious to the humble. Accepting before Him that we are not okay and acknowledging He is there to help us is a sign of humility.

Day 10

It's time that I stop counting the days and accept that some things in life are how it has been decided. 

What's important is my response to God. Thank You Lord for everything and I surrender all. You hold me together and in You, I live, and move, and have my being. 

Day 9

'It has been figured out', my leader said in front of us after the talk. She has been wanting to ask me if my time here has been fruitful. Barely a year. 'I know now the answer', she said. 'You inspire us' 

My heart was overwhelmed during the sharing of what each has learned. It was also aching to know I will leave them. I received praises I humbly all give to God. 'I don't deserve those but I give Him all the glory', I continued. It was heartbreaking and liberating. 

She mentioned the story of the life of Abraham, the pitching of the tent. Wherever Abraham goes, he serves faithfully and it becomes fruitful. I seconded the motion. I was reminded of one of my readings. 

 “So Abram went to live near the great trees of Mamre at Hebron, where he pitched his tents. There he built an altar to the Lord.”

Genesis 13:18 NIV

Abraham is obedient when God asks Him to leave certain places to go to another place, whenever he pitches his tent, he would worship God, he would built an altar. 

Our home is heaven. We only pitch our tents to places we go. In every place, we must pitch our tent, which means we should always worship God. That's our highest calling. 

Day 8

Last night, I was awaken by cramps 2-3 times. By 1:30 AM I awoke as I felt I was to get up already for work ( I would thank God if I wake up at 5 and will still have an hour more to sleep but 1:30AM?! I just gotten sleep!.I also had dreams I couldn't figure out. I am okay, maybe it's just my body feeling anxious for the hard days. It is normal though. It was better than feeling numb and all would just explode.

Though outwardly I am wasting away, yet inwardly I am being renewed day by day. It wasn't all that bad. Sometimes I have to go through sufferings to reach my journey to contentment to whatever i gain or lose in life. I just know that in all these, whether joy or suffering, I must always show my religion, the religion of Christ-likeness. I had my share of wrongs and mistakes and or it might be just ways for me to learn, but the important thing is what will my response be to all these sufferings.

I don't know how long should I be writing about this.

Cont.. after posting this, I found the ff paragraphs from my online reading or utmost.org

The things we try to avoid and fight against— tribulation, suffering, and persecution— are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. “We are more than conquerors through Him” “in all these things”; not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. A saint doesn’t know the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but because of it. Paul said, “I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation” (2 Corinthians 7:4).

The undiminished radiance, which is the result of abundant joy, is not built on anything passing, but on the love of God that nothing can change. And the experiences of life, whether they are everyday events or terrifying ones, are powerless to “separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39).

I should be able to prove my religion in the valley, not just in the city.

Day 7

Ahh, it has been a week and I feel physically weaker each day. Yesterday, I didn't eat the whole day, just took some milk and nuts while packing some things. I was only able to eat  when I had to see my college friends and gave me food.

I know much have changed. I had this kind of experience before and I know things have gotten different. I would drink off the pain, visit friend's houses who allows me to drink, get so wasted, go to work, I can even train people on the system without them knowing I'm still at hangover.

During the times of weakness, I would feed myself with verses, paragraphs and chapters. I would listen to music or download movies. Over the days, I feel i am inside a shell. In the facade I am okay but deep inside, the sense of sadness bothers me everytime. The thought that God can make things beautiful, as I go through process, gives me hope. I don't have to say I am happy, tell myself I am as I do know that during the process, I will be molded to sanctification. It is the response that I do with this situation that shall count, regardless I win or totally lose somethings or even people in my life.

Day 6

These days, studying (more than just reading) the Word of God gives me wonders of all the things He is. I have been praying that  (1)I may unlearn all the things I have learned so i can  learn them through His personal revelations via Holy Spirit through personal bible study and seeking of His Word and (2) establish truths I have learned from the teachings I have heard. I wish to blog the things I've been learning. This, not to use against people as becoming superior but to (1) for personal growth as in the end, I will come before Him personally and (2) to share these to those who are just starting and going through circumstances from my circle of ministry.

There have been numerous times I would quote Lamentations 3:22,

Lamentations 3:22-23New International Version (NIV)
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

Today I read the whole chapter, from where the verse was preceded by and its continuation. Its first paragraphs was about the laments of Jeremiah over the ruins of Jerusalem and this points out to that verse that his hope lies in the remembering (at verse 20) and calling to mind (being reminded ourselves about) that the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases and His mercies are new every morning. Verse prior to that was his humility in acknowledging all that he has done wrong, all his transgressions.

In this, I/we must continually remind ourselves that God's love is steadfast, unending, unceasing. As because He actually is. It is where our hope lies that we can be forgiven whenever we remember our sins before Him (in true and genuine repentance). The promise I find in the next verses is that God is good to those who wait for Him (not taking matters into our own hands), to those who seek Him. Deliverance (salvation), justice, will come from the Lord and not ours. We can even give our cheeks to the one who strikes as He will be the one who will justify us and not ourselves against them.

Repent. Mourn. Remember: God is always compassionate, He is abounding in steadfast love.Wait for the Lord.

Day 5

And I've written a lengthy last lines. I don't say final things. I surrender everything to my Creator.

Today the church went to Zabeel Park and the theme was about healthy living. Inspiring, and I entered the biggest loser contest despite it being two months and I am already in PH by the time of final weigh ins. 

I figured I gained around 6 kilograms since I came here. That was fast. 

And to share what I've read  'I don’t need to change all my emotions to happiness, but I want God to remold my core so that regardless of my circumstances, thoughts and feelings, I know He never changes and my identity in Christ remains the same. RM

Day 4

Day 4. No Coffee. I miss you. I've been trying to focus myself on work, and rest so I could forget about you. It has been hard in the past days since I've been taking you everyday before.

So we received the good news that we won't have Saturdays anymore. Good! I will have another month of four 2-day weekends. Happy for my officemates also and will be happy leaving them with such good situation. Everyone's working hard and 2 days off will be great.

So the days I will tender for work here will be less than-- days.

I still find myself tearing at times. Yesterday I had a talk with an old friend, just catching up and it helped me a lot.

I desire to unlearn the many things I know about God so I can again personally relearn them. How big and holy He is and that our main focus and longing in life is God. He is the God of the universe. He is also the God of my heart. We must not just read the bible but study it and I desire that hunger for His revelations.

Day 3

Day 3. Surprisingly, everyone's telling me that it's good that I am already going home. They wish they could too. I was ready to hear whys and the usual urges to stay here but no, they were happy about my decision.

I would stay home for a while, keep up with my family and have some fresh start, I could redo the garden like I used to when I planned to go home 3 years ago from city works. I don't know what's next but this would be my opportunity to wait on God. This time, it is going to be different.

The past 3 days were hard and I always catch myself asking, shedding tears, sad, but I have to go on and move on. In Christ, I live and move and breathe and have my being.

Day 2

I wasn't able to go to fellowship last night because of painful headache. I thought sleeping it off at six would help but when I woke up at 8, the pain still pierces. I took medicines that's for colds so I got so drowsy and fell asleep til 6am this morning.

I did't eat but oats. There weree donuts my housemates brought from last night that I didn't take.

Too many questions running on my mind but I'm choosing to sigh them out.

The Word of God inflicts hurt on us more than sin ever could, because sin dulls our senses. But this intensifies our sensitivities to the point that this hurt produced by Jesus is the most exquisite pain conceivable.