Feb 25, 2025

Going back here to put my thoughts to read on. Getting better and sober for two weeks now. I guess, I've been so dependent on medications that I forgot that I can really be normal and feel emotions without having to feel it so deep and despaired.

I've been having panics attack lately. I am in a normal state of working on something when my heart rate starts beating so fast. I feel it so I know when to start my heart rate monitor on my watch, just as to prove I am really feeling it and not just acting up.

I have been praying since February about many things, and I think and feel, I am being answered by circumstances and through people I get along with. I am enjoying the companies of new friends without having to post them on social media just to say I am okay and I have friends. I try my best to do efforts for my family which I have neglected in some parts in the past years. 

Going back to panic attacks, I think it is high time for me to go back once again to healthy lifestyle and diet. Yesternight, my hotpot friends began a challange for three months to lost weight. I needed that. One officemate also has the desire now to go to gym. 

I thank God for these inspirations. I thank Him for allowing me to see the answers to my prayers and to still know and understand it is Him who works things with me. I have friends I can go out with and friends I find peace with just by talking with them. I feel His love that overhelms me. I thank Him for forgiving my sins and not looking on to it as something I should be disgraced about but to only know that His grace is sufficient for me. 

Two weeks ago, I am busy and messy. Not that I have fallen apart but I was too busy in the ministry that I forget to focus on Him. I have been sleeping so much just to forget. Today, I woke up early and started ticking off list of my to dos so I can be productive and find more time with Him through devotions, prayers, and singing hymns. 

Feb 21, 2025

It's been two years since my last blog. So many things have happened. I thank this YAN at church who has been, in turn of events, have been my counsellor in the past weeks. I remember my blog yesternight. Today, I am writing again. 

From working from home, I am now working back in Manila. Google has hired me last year and from there, new things and seasons have been happening. I wasn't supposed to go back to Manila then. I wasn't looking for a job. I was enjoying time with my family, my new dog Benjie (with Areen), and traveling to and forth Manila for church services and gatherings. Then I received a message on LinkedIn and the rest is history. I had testimonies about His goodness and plans during the transition. Ang prayer ko pa non, Lord, I won't be back in Manila if it is not part of Your plan in my life. And I know He works things through circumstances in my life. 

Not all good stuff though. It was last year that I had a fall apart with a used to bestfriend. There were talks about it until the Lord has given me this verse about new perspective on Ecclesiastes 3:10. The time I had to help and be there was completed. Alam ko rin naman na on the onset of 2023 and in the continuations of 2024, may oath ako sa Kanya about it. He has given me that ample time to redeem myself then. Hindi lang siguro ako talaga handa lagi sa goodbyes. During the times of anxieties, I helped myself with medications that can paralyze my emotions. It was an easy go-to solution. 

Last week, something has been brought and this has come to light. I somehow, needed to change my perspective on my medication. Hindi ko pa totally, as of now, naiisip itong matanggal but since then, I am looking for ways on how to be busy at the same time quite. 

Maybe I really need to write again to focus on things that matters. 

I am now a Technical Writer for Google, but I must be a creative writer of my own story. To use the writing platform to express my thoughts and keep these words in time like a letter in a bottle I could read when the time comes I needed a good memory or an inspiration. 

I am grateful for these new things, new people in my life. I am now happy with the things I can do without worries of being tooo responsible on some aspects. 

I have been blessed with family that I can turn to when I needed support. Also, I have been traveling with them in the past!

I have an apartment in Taguig with two dogs with me. I finally have an aircon room! Plus I have been renovating the home I am building in Laguna.

I have new friends who understands me, be funny with, and be loved as I am. I know I still tiptoe at times on managing my communications and actions but I know I am learning from them.

In all these, I know God is with me. I know my prayers that I may experience His love from people, and to still understand that it is Him who loves me dearly. 

Life's like a hills-and-valley thing. I know this as I have been to Pulag. But in the end, all these things are worth it and all the seasons and places were part of God's allowances for us to grow and ultimately enjoy the bestest best place with Him after this journey.