March 17, 2025

 It's past 1am and I am writing my thoughts after a long day. 

During the first service, the Lord has spoken to me through the Word from Pastora Precie. Not that I am complaining but I belive that the theme as about Christ sufficiency yet the words were about not being equally yoke with others, especially the ones who may lead you to bad stuff. Then there was a prayer about glocuma which I need to clear from the procedure by Wednesday.

I am so happy to be teaching new and young photographers in the church. I could do it all day provided I still have voice and energy to do so. I wanted them to be good at taking photos, even to do better than me. 

Then we celebrated Ate M's birthday together with Pastora, and finally visited Roel and his family on his tita's wake.

At the end of the day, I had to deal with small stuff that were like elephant in the room. I hardly had time to focus at random moments while I think of things out of the objective today. I hope that it be resolved soon, be it my changed attitude or acceptance. For now, I shall sleep with gratitude for the things God is teaching me, helping me be controlled despite the situation. 

Reposting one of my old blog post it says: Pain begs to be felt—or life will beg you to feel not one emotion at all. Emotion means movement — and emotions are meant to move you toward God.” ~ The Broken Way

I hope that all these emotions may move me towards Him all the more. I have also learned today that while King David had one of the worst sins, he was called a man after God's own heart not because of what He did great at other things but because he has a repentant heart.

Another learning todays is that the more I hear of the things I may or not be involved with, the more I need to pray about them. This on conflicting situations in the church.

March 15, 2025 Heal and Grow

I was taking a shower when I thought about my perspective on healing and growth. For a while, I was challenge with the thought of "heal and change". While there are really things that I needed to change for the better, my heart was looking for what comes next after healing. Then I remember grafting.

If we Google grafting -is a horticultural technique that joins two or more plants together so they grow as one. It's a common method for propagating fruit and vegetables. 

I know this technique as I graduated from Agricultural Science Curiculum for high school. We would plant and make planting techniques. 

In the bible, grafting is important as part of Christian living of those not Jews. There are a lot of bible verses that pertains to grafting and one of my favorites is Romans 11:17 which states that if some branches of the olive tree (representing Israel) were broken off, and you (representing Gentiles) were grafted in among them, you now share in the nourishing root of the olive tree. We have been grafted in the tree of life and we are part of HIs family.

In the grafting process, branches are cut and placed to the main or major branch. During this time, the branches needs to heal as it was cut from where it as from (scion) and placed to the roothstock (main branch). Leaves are also removed from the scion so that nourishment can be given fully to the healing part. It takes time for the roots to grow that will eventually be grafted in the main branch. IN a more scientific way, vascular tissues of the scion and rootstock must grow together for the graft to be successful.. Once it is fully healed, then it starts to grow. Eventually beaing leaves and fruits.

In our lives, we need to heal and be attached to the main branch (the Lord's family). Once fully healed and grafter to the main branch (the Lord), then we will start to grow and bear leaves and fruits. 

March 13, 2025 My eyes set on You

 Writing tonight because it was such a day to remember.

I have always been blessed to have one eye that sees at 20 vision despite having a lazy left eye. Today, I had the courage to visit a clinic for my eyes. The schedule did't work out in the morning and I felt frustrated. But the Lord is good. He has made every moment worthwhile as I was able to still have lunch, and meet my TL for our one on one session. In there I was able to be comforted that I can visit the clinic again in the afternoon as well as take leaves whenever I need it. Plus, I was able to be present in the huddle (which was but a timing for my appreciation email received from our Indian QA). I was also chosen as part of a new project. While I wasn't able to join the earthquake drill, my officemate friends were able to help on documentation which I somehow asked them to do.

Come the time I went to St Luke's, I was just expecting that the Doctor would give me the grade of my eyes and evenually take glasses as I was there for farsightedness consultation. Then there were tests to do. 

That I would need a day off so the procedures would be done. Also, I would need a companion as it will take about 4 hours to do all the tests, and 4-6 hours to be able to recover from the tints and solutions that will be put in my eyes. 

No one else knew today's errands but the Lord and a friend. I was glad to have been offered the help I needed. I am thankful. 

The dread filled me but the Lord has comforted me. That breather was just what I needed tonight to go on the tests. Still awaiting for the schedule but I shall sleep with gratitude that I could be able to surpass what my grandparents have experienced during the later years of their lives. I pray that this fear won't paralyze me but give me the courage to trust in the Lord.

To cap off some good learning today I shall write it here:

We are not just a person of each other but an individual for everyone. We must celebrate other person's part in our lives, as well as celebrate their portion with other people. Our love should not be a cage. Let us love and need others. Let them love and need others. 

March 11, 2025

How good it is to begin to feel happy again after being sad for a long time. I need to write this so I can remember how He has saved me from the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire (Psalm 40:2). 

The meds I take made me feel so relaxed, numb, and sleepy most of the time, plus the fact I had those munchies. The same feeling of taking the tranquilizers long ago. 

A month ago, I took the biggest piece of that meds I used to take in small portions at times. That moment, I said my goodbye to a long lost friend, while listening to an online LG. Out of nowhere, without a plan, I told my story casually. Probably, I was too high. Probably the Word has spoken to me. I thank God that this time, this friend is such an introvert, full of spiritual wisdom, and literally works for an institution who may understand what I'm going through. Unplanned, I told my stories and felt the cares I have been asking God for. I know it was an absurd request. I know He loves me. I know He cares. But we remember our prayers when He finally answers. When He answers, it is in His time. 

I need to write this so I could remember how He saved me again and again, praying that I won't have to go elsewhere to relax my muscles again. (Maybe I need to take Vitamin B. Hahah). 

I thank God for deliverance, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 

These tendons

Mixed emotions today. As what I have once read, our hearts has the capacity to hold conflicting emotions. I am elated to have found friends and found a good friend from the Lord. I know it was Him who makes beautiful things. Just this time, I need to continue to heal and eventually ask Him to change me for the better so I may continue keeping them. I was humbled to have been accepted and humbled to not be tolerated. 

It's been a month of sobriety! I know deep inside, I am more controlled (except for those little shouts of frustration these days) for I was able to go back to the gym, set my goals, and meet them despite my tired legs already. I take less of melatonin (the good meds), I wake up early, take devotions at night, pray more prayers, and feel more energized. 

Where was my self in the last 3 quarters of my life has been.

I remember the song Tendons (The Release) of Ballarive (a Christian indie group). I was like that in the first verses of the song those times. So I pray that He rip these tendons that hinder my reach towards Him. The rap in the last part of the song is so strong statement of desperation for His grace.  

https://open.spotify.com/track/55S0E4N3ht6Zzu4hj3nQJj?si=6ba5f293dbf34b1c

Remember

Tonight some memories came crashing again. It's been a month of sobreity but as I checked on some messages, I have resolved things in the past. The height from which I have fallen. 

I still can't fathom the weight. All I know is that God is so gracious. As I remember these things, I begin to thank Him fo what He has done. 

I usually forget things easily, but the hurts that wounded my heart marks me too much that those are the most things I could remember. Maybe those were the thorns that now pins me to Him. 

Today, the Word was about spiritual emptiness. I had been serving Him, as usual since July of last year, but I had been leaking those times. I wasn't getting filled for eveytime I do those things and medications, I leak. Whenever I decide to accept defeat, I leak. When I forget that I must be sober, I leak. God is just soooo gracious to fill me again and again. He knows my heart. He knows I love Him so much, so deep that despite those things I've done--- He rescued me time and time again. 

This time, I don't want to miss this opporunity to be healed, and be changed. Maybe I am still in the part of healing. Until then, I will desire to be changed. Pray more and utmost to be restored and make all things new. 

I don't want to go back there anymore. I know this is my chance to remember and reminisce so I could understand the height from which I have fallen. I am blogging this tonight to remind myself of His grace. 

May these tears clean my heart and my memories. May this ache be offered to Him as a reminder that He heals. He rescues. He cares for me so much that He didn't want me to go on being the person I used to be. 

I can't do this on my own so I thank Him for answering my prayers. He's been sending people to care and show His love for me. I have never been this happy and better. 

Tonight once again, I confess my sins and wrongdoings. Despite the lack of acknowledgement of its weight, I know those were wrong. I need to remind myself that eventhough I don't feel the weight, I know in my thoughs and in my heart the height it made me fall, that I should be careful in doing things that could hurt Him. 

Tonight, as what the Word this morning was mentioned, remember the height from which you have fallen. 

March 05, 2025

Writing again. What I have learned in the past is that we can do constant prayer and worship throughout the day. We can pray randomly, pray while driving, pray while alone, pray even while with others. I have learned to even pray in between ministry services. But of course, I take my time praying to God. 

There are still things that I needed to do so I can give my full focus on things, and I am working on it. I am aware of my shortcomings and faults. 

I've been listening and taking notes on podcast. I crave for His Word daily. I need those to fill my thoughts and my heart so I can fully heal. And when I get there, I'd crave for more of His Word to fill me again and again. 

Tonight I cried again in prayers. I know when it is deep for I feel the kind of pain that begs God on things I need to surrender, I need to give, and need to tell Him off my chest. I need the healing that only He can give. That God-gap in me that longs for His infilling. 

I need to remember this very moment. Lights off, lamps on. I am in front of my pc writing these things in between cries. The deep cries of my heart longing for, not maybe answers, but peace that passes understanding to keep me guarded from all my longings and needs. I shall not want but Him. In Him I live, and move, and have my being. 

I need Him to care for all my concerns. I need Him to protect me from the damages I could do because I am still healing. I have been so in touch with my emotions lately. It touches the very core of my heart. It's hard for I have lived for a while to a state of numbness that it is so painful for me to cry this much these days. 

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It's been two days of my exericse. I thank Him for the strength He gives me to start. The Word says do not despise small beginning. I have always been in a rush on things-- like healing, fitness, and peace to come. This time, I am taking it slow. It's been a long journey to here. This moment. I wanted this to last long and according to righteouness that also can only come from Him.