March 15, 2025 Heal and Grow

I was taking a shower when I thought about my perspective on healing and growth. For a while, I was challenge with the thought of "heal and change". While there are really things that I needed to change for the better, my heart was looking for what comes next after healing. Then I remember grafting.

If we Google grafting -is a horticultural technique that joins two or more plants together so they grow as one. It's a common method for propagating fruit and vegetables. 

I know this technique as I graduated from Agricultural Science Curiculum for high school. We would plant and make planting techniques. 

In the bible, grafting is important as part of Christian living of those not Jews. There are a lot of bible verses that pertains to grafting and one of my favorites is Romans 11:17 which states that if some branches of the olive tree (representing Israel) were broken off, and you (representing Gentiles) were grafted in among them, you now share in the nourishing root of the olive tree. We have been grafted in the tree of life and we are part of HIs family.

In the grafting process, branches are cut and placed to the main or major branch. During this time, the branches needs to heal as it was cut from where it as from (scion) and placed to the roothstock (main branch). Leaves are also removed from the scion so that nourishment can be given fully to the healing part. It takes time for the roots to grow that will eventually be grafted in the main branch. IN a more scientific way, vascular tissues of the scion and rootstock must grow together for the graft to be successful.. Once it is fully healed, then it starts to grow. Eventually beaing leaves and fruits.

In our lives, we need to heal and be attached to the main branch (the Lord's family). Once fully healed and grafter to the main branch (the Lord), then we will start to grow and bear leaves and fruits. 

March 13, 2025 My eyes set on You

 Writing tonight because it was such a day to remember.

I have always been blessed to have one eye that sees at 20 vision despite having a lazy left eye. Today, I had the courage to visit a clinic for my eyes. The schedule did't work out in the morning and I felt frustrated. But the Lord is good. He has made every moment worthwhile as I was able to still have lunch, and meet my TL for our one on one session. In there I was able to be comforted that I can visit the clinic again in the afternoon as well as take leaves whenever I need it. Plus, I was able to be present in the huddle (which was but a timing for my appreciation email received from our Indian QA). I was also chosen as part of a new project. While I wasn't able to join the earthquake drill, my officemate friends were able to help on documentation which I somehow asked them to do.

Come the time I went to St Luke's, I was just expecting that the Doctor would give me the grade of my eyes and evenually take glasses as I was there for farsightedness consultation. Then there were tests to do. 

That I would need a day off so the procedures would be done. Also, I would need a companion as it will take about 4 hours to do all the tests, and 4-6 hours to be able to recover from the tints and solutions that will be put in my eyes. 

No one else knew today's errands but the Lord and a friend. I was glad to have been offered the help I needed. I am thankful. 

The dread filled me but the Lord has comforted me. That breather was just what I needed tonight to go on the tests. Still awaiting for the schedule but I shall sleep with gratitude that I could be able to surpass what my grandparents have experienced during the later years of their lives. I pray that this fear won't paralyze me but give me the courage to trust in the Lord.

To cap off some good learning today I shall write it here:

We are not just a person of each other but an individual for everyone. We must celebrate other person's part in our lives, as well as celebrate their portion with other people. Our love should not be a cage. Let us love and need others. Let them love and need others. 

March 11, 2025

How good it is to begin to feel happy again after being sad for a long time. I need to write this so I can remember how He has saved me from the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire (Psalm 40:2). 

The meds I take made me feel so relaxed, numb, and sleepy most of the time, plus the fact I had those munchies. The same feeling of taking the tranquilizers long ago. 

A month ago, I took the biggest piece of that meds I used to take in small portions at times. That moment, I said my goodbye to a long lost friend, while listening to an online LG. Out of nowhere, without a plan, I told my story casually. Probably, I was too high. Probably the Word has spoken to me. I thank God that this time, this friend is such an introvert, full of spiritual wisdom, and literally works for an institution who may understand what I'm going through. Unplanned, I told my stories and felt the cares I have been asking God for. I know it was an absurd request. I know He loves me. I know He cares. But we remember our prayers when He finally answers. When He answers, it is in His time. 

I need to write this so I could remember how He saved me again and again, praying that I won't have to go elsewhere to relax my muscles again. (Maybe I need to take Vitamin B. Hahah). 

I thank God for deliverance, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 

These tendons

Mixed emotions today. As what I have once read, our hearts has the capacity to hold conflicting emotions. I am elated to have found friends and found a good friend from the Lord. I know it was Him who makes beautiful things. Just this time, I need to continue to heal and eventually ask Him to change me for the better so I may continue keeping them. I was humbled to have been accepted and humbled to not be tolerated. 

It's been a month of sobriety! I know deep inside, I am more controlled (except for those little shouts of frustration these days) for I was able to go back to the gym, set my goals, and meet them despite my tired legs already. I take less of melatonin (the good meds), I wake up early, take devotions at night, pray more prayers, and feel more energized. 

Where was my self in the last 3 quarters of my life has been.

I remember the song Tendons (The Release) of Ballarive (a Christian indie group). I was like that in the first verses of the song those times. So I pray that He rip these tendons that hinder my reach towards Him. The rap in the last part of the song is so strong statement of desperation for His grace.  

https://open.spotify.com/track/55S0E4N3ht6Zzu4hj3nQJj?si=6ba5f293dbf34b1c

Remember

Tonight some memories came crashing again. It's been a month of sobreity but as I checked on some messages, I have resolved things in the past. The height from which I have fallen. 

I still can't fathom the weight. All I know is that God is so gracious. As I remember these things, I begin to thank Him fo what He has done. 

I usually forget things easily, but the hurts that wounded my heart marks me too much that those are the most things I could remember. Maybe those were the thorns that now pins me to Him. 

Today, the Word was about spiritual emptiness. I had been serving Him, as usual since July of last year, but I had been leaking those times. I wasn't getting filled for eveytime I do those things and medications, I leak. Whenever I decide to accept defeat, I leak. When I forget that I must be sober, I leak. God is just soooo gracious to fill me again and again. He knows my heart. He knows I love Him so much, so deep that despite those things I've done--- He rescued me time and time again. 

This time, I don't want to miss this opporunity to be healed, and be changed. Maybe I am still in the part of healing. Until then, I will desire to be changed. Pray more and utmost to be restored and make all things new. 

I don't want to go back there anymore. I know this is my chance to remember and reminisce so I could understand the height from which I have fallen. I am blogging this tonight to remind myself of His grace. 

May these tears clean my heart and my memories. May this ache be offered to Him as a reminder that He heals. He rescues. He cares for me so much that He didn't want me to go on being the person I used to be. 

I can't do this on my own so I thank Him for answering my prayers. He's been sending people to care and show His love for me. I have never been this happy and better. 

Tonight once again, I confess my sins and wrongdoings. Despite the lack of acknowledgement of its weight, I know those were wrong. I need to remind myself that eventhough I don't feel the weight, I know in my thoughs and in my heart the height it made me fall, that I should be careful in doing things that could hurt Him. 

Tonight, as what the Word this morning was mentioned, remember the height from which you have fallen. 

March 05, 2025

Writing again. What I have learned in the past is that we can do constant prayer and worship throughout the day. We can pray randomly, pray while driving, pray while alone, pray even while with others. I have learned to even pray in between ministry services. But of course, I take my time praying to God. 

There are still things that I needed to do so I can give my full focus on things, and I am working on it. I am aware of my shortcomings and faults. 

I've been listening and taking notes on podcast. I crave for His Word daily. I need those to fill my thoughts and my heart so I can fully heal. And when I get there, I'd crave for more of His Word to fill me again and again. 

Tonight I cried again in prayers. I know when it is deep for I feel the kind of pain that begs God on things I need to surrender, I need to give, and need to tell Him off my chest. I need the healing that only He can give. That God-gap in me that longs for His infilling. 

I need to remember this very moment. Lights off, lamps on. I am in front of my pc writing these things in between cries. The deep cries of my heart longing for, not maybe answers, but peace that passes understanding to keep me guarded from all my longings and needs. I shall not want but Him. In Him I live, and move, and have my being. 

I need Him to care for all my concerns. I need Him to protect me from the damages I could do because I am still healing. I have been so in touch with my emotions lately. It touches the very core of my heart. It's hard for I have lived for a while to a state of numbness that it is so painful for me to cry this much these days. 

----

It's been two days of my exericse. I thank Him for the strength He gives me to start. The Word says do not despise small beginning. I have always been in a rush on things-- like healing, fitness, and peace to come. This time, I am taking it slow. It's been a long journey to here. This moment. I wanted this to last long and according to righteouness that also can only come from Him. 

It ends here

Typing my thoughts again. I know I need to write. Looking back to which was lost; that I onced thought I gained, gave me bittersweet memories. Now, I am faced again with the reality that I need to work on things (this early). 

It's been 3 weeks of being sober. Not that I am counting. I just remember that it was not my intention that night to share. Yet I did. And now I am dealing with all these sribbled emotions and thoughts I must surrender to God (this early) so I can finally be really better. 

My schedule's tight and I give no more space to breathe and ponder. Because I was too afraid. I run away with the dread of contemplating and finding myself in silent despair. But I am here now. I wish to put into words all these things to set clear and tell myself what to do. Tonight, I was hit with words that were piercing cares. I wanted to take control, but it didn't happen. I was just faced with a reality that was put into no-tone, non-verbal words which I must comprehend on my own and find my reasoning isn't again fair. 

I gave my slow breaths to feel I am still here. I have hope. I can give all these thoughts and burdens to Him who can make everything beautiful. 

I shall sleep with sighs, bittersweet smiles, and heart-pounding hope of a good tomorrow. 

Feb 25, 2025

Going back here to put my thoughts to read on. Getting better and sober for two weeks now. I guess, I've been so dependent on medications that I forgot that I can really be normal and feel emotions without having to feel it so deep and despaired.

I've been having panics attack lately. I am in a normal state of working on something when my heart rate starts beating so fast. I feel it so I know when to start my heart rate monitor on my watch, just as to prove I am really feeling it and not just acting up.

I have been praying since February about many things, and I think and feel, I am being answered by circumstances and through people I get along with. I am enjoying the companies of new friends without having to post them on social media just to say I am okay and I have friends. I try my best to do efforts for my family which I have neglected in some parts in the past years. 

Going back to panic attacks, I think it is high time for me to go back once again to healthy lifestyle and diet. Yesternight, my hotpot friends began a challange for three months to lost weight. I needed that. One officemate also has the desire now to go to gym. 

I thank God for these inspirations. I thank Him for allowing me to see the answers to my prayers and to still know and understand it is Him who works things with me. I have friends I can go out with and friends I find peace with just by talking with them. I feel His love that overhelms me. I thank Him for forgiving my sins and not looking on to it as something I should be disgraced about but to only know that His grace is sufficient for me. 

Two weeks ago, I am busy and messy. Not that I have fallen apart but I was too busy in the ministry that I forget to focus on Him. I have been sleeping so much just to forget. Today, I woke up early and started ticking off list of my to dos so I can be productive and find more time with Him through devotions, prayers, and singing hymns. 

Feb 21, 2025

It's been two years since my last blog. So many things have happened. I thank this YAN at church who has been, in turn of events, have been my counsellor in the past weeks. I remember my blog yesternight. Today, I am writing again. 

From working from home, I am now working back in Manila. Google has hired me last year and from there, new things and seasons have been happening. I wasn't supposed to go back to Manila then. I wasn't looking for a job. I was enjoying time with my family, my new dog Benjie (with Areen), and traveling to and forth Manila for church services and gatherings. Then I received a message on LinkedIn and the rest is history. I had testimonies about His goodness and plans during the transition. Ang prayer ko pa non, Lord, I won't be back in Manila if it is not part of Your plan in my life. And I know He works things through circumstances in my life. 

Not all good stuff though. It was last year that I had a fall apart with a used to bestfriend. There were talks about it until the Lord has given me this verse about new perspective on Ecclesiastes 3:10. The time I had to help and be there was completed. Alam ko rin naman na on the onset of 2023 and in the continuations of 2024, may oath ako sa Kanya about it. He has given me that ample time to redeem myself then. Hindi lang siguro ako talaga handa lagi sa goodbyes. During the times of anxieties, I helped myself with medications that can paralyze my emotions. It was an easy go-to solution. 

Last week, something has been brought and this has come to light. I somehow, needed to change my perspective on my medication. Hindi ko pa totally, as of now, naiisip itong matanggal but since then, I am looking for ways on how to be busy at the same time quite. 

Maybe I really need to write again to focus on things that matters. 

I am now a Technical Writer for Google, but I must be a creative writer of my own story. To use the writing platform to express my thoughts and keep these words in time like a letter in a bottle I could read when the time comes I needed a good memory or an inspiration. 

I am grateful for these new things, new people in my life. I am now happy with the things I can do without worries of being tooo responsible on some aspects. 

I have been blessed with family that I can turn to when I needed support. Also, I have been traveling with them in the past!

I have an apartment in Taguig with two dogs with me. I finally have an aircon room! Plus I have been renovating the home I am building in Laguna.

I have new friends who understands me, be funny with, and be loved as I am. I know I still tiptoe at times on managing my communications and actions but I know I am learning from them.

In all these, I know God is with me. I know my prayers that I may experience His love from people, and to still understand that it is Him who loves me dearly. 

Life's like a hills-and-valley thing. I know this as I have been to Pulag. But in the end, all these things are worth it and all the seasons and places were part of God's allowances for us to grow and ultimately enjoy the bestest best place with Him after this journey.

13 of July

Today is one rainy Thursday, it's July 13, 2023. I woke up with a dream of getting along with my cousin who was once a good friend but seemingly have fallen apart from as she moved abroad. 

While it was raining hard, like July would used to be, I thank God for I am working from home. I remembered the times I had to endure the hard rains, and even walked home from the floods. I am here in my own space, with my parents few steps from here. I am dry and loving the feeling of being comforted here and not enduring the rains outside. I may not have my officemates with mem but surely, has it been well or better with them around? From the looks of it, I have liked working from home and in front of computer. If I need to talk to someone, some friends would be online to talk to. I can play games, or watch Netflix or Disney when I feel bored.  I also have Areen with me.

I prepared my food which are some left overs but those were good ones. Burger, nilaga, and nuggets. I have rice cooker with cooked rice and coffee on my table. 

While I missed a lot of things in my life, one cure for anxieties and uncertainties is to be grateful for what we have.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I am still longing for a partner, but I must focus on living my life for the purpose of giving my best to God. I don't know what the future holds, but I am running always to peace knowing He knows it all and is already there for me.

My God has always been good. He always remembers me even in the pit. That I know. He promised me.

Thank You, my Master

 I have been assessing my life lately. So much to be thankful for the grace and mercy God has given me. I may lack somethings in life, regretted things I have done in the past, but I know that what matters now is what I do moving forward. 

I acknowledge myself as a sinner saved by grace alone. I cannot do anything that would make me deserve any of the grace and mercy I have been receiving from Him. Nothing good that I can do could add but I strive to do better things for Him because I am His servant. The decision to make Him my Lord changed everything in my life. My focus now is to serve my Lord and my Master to whom I am indebted.

I like what Paul said in Philippians 3:13–14 , he tries to forget the past. He is not paralized by what he did, but he presses on towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I may or may not get all the things I pray for, but one thing I ultimately desire--is to receive His words at the end of my life saying well done, my good and faithful servant. 

I do not have anything to brag about. Nothing to be proud of except the fact that He is my Lord and I am His. 

No Coincidence!

Today, I thought of blogging just because I have been watching the series The Chosen. So much to write about it. 

Seeing the last entry, I was so amazed of what I have written about 10 months ago and what had transpired last Monday in our team building with the church's music team!

God is really speaking! My mind is just blown away.

During the ministerial period with our Pastor, I thought when I was lining up that "ahhh, Pastora knows me. I just stayed in her house to fix some gadgets, had some random talks, and drove her to and from Bulacan for the church services. She must have something to say about me the same things she told me earlier-- I must not be afraid and be brave."

Soon as I came over, I heard what God wants to tell me. " You said you are alone, but no, I am here with you!", also mentioned about not doubting, and to continue using my skills for His glory. Those were the words! 

Based from my last blog-- I have been feeling alone since the start of 2022, and might have been recovering only on the onset of 2023 because of the revival that's happening in our church. It isn't any coincidence that I have decided to write again and look back at the last entry to have confirmed what God wants me to hear. He is there for me! I should not doubt His word!

Dear Heavenly Father, the King of the universe, the Saviour of my soul. Thank you. Thank you so much for your words. Thank you for speaking to me. Thank you for these assurances. Help me to overcome any doubt and continue to be in state of trust in You. Indeed, You have spoken.

I will be blogging about things I have learned from The Chosen and my devotions. I just couldn't contain the thought today of what was just revealed to me.